i dowanna grow old. i dowan to die at >85 years of age

i look at my ah gong and i'll feel sad. sometimes on sundays night, when i'm leaving for my popo house, he'll say, " dun go lah, dun go your popo house lah!" in hokkien.

even if so, i'll still leave for my popo house ): i feel damn infilial can? sucks

but on fridays/saturdays night when i'm returning home, my popo will be saying lyk, "you wan your mama, dowan me le hor?" or "miss mama le, want to go home le hor?"

it makes me feel very zuo3 you4 wei2 nan2 ): i dunno. i dun want to decide. i dun lyk to reject my ah gong nor my popo. but is difficult to make a decision whether to stay at popo house or come home. my ah gong lyks to see me at home, so is popo. but my ah gong is a lonely old man, who's left with limited days, i guess. he's eating lesser and lesser. though still able to walk, but he is no longer strong to walk around the house as often as he used to. and just now, when he was complaining to me, i just stood there and try to understand what he was trying to say but understood nuts. while he was talking, i realised he doesnt even have much strength left to voice out his words properly and has to repeat the few words again. i'm sad. i feel lyk a big time idiot who karn even understand what her own grandfather is talking about ):

sighs

if i come home, i'll be able to be around and ah gong wont feel so lonely. i'll be able to noe wad yiling's doing at home. at least i can see if she's studyng or playing. [walao! she got another suitor again lah omg!!] but popo wont be very happy? i dunno.